As a women this is MY decision, I can make MY own decisions. Be respectful. I should not need to defend myself.
By: Dani Christine
One of our readers reached out to tell me this story. I thought her approach to dealing with people who question her decision not to have children was genius, so I wanted to share.
After, seeing a struggling mother at Tim Hortons and commenting on how wonderful she is and that she is doing a great job. I had a man approach me and ask if I wanted children. I said ‘no, I am focusing on my career.’ He then stopped me and said, ‘You are making a mistake and are missing out on life’ then he went into a 10 minute speech about having kids and why I should consider it.
These conversations are painful for me. I had multiple surgeries and cannot have children. I did not feel like having this conversation in the middle of a Tim Hortons with a complete stranger. I would usually tell people like this to leave me alone. But to be honest, on this day I was tired, defeated and fed up.
So now, when this question comes up and people debate my decision, especially if it is someone I do not know, I hand them this letter.
Dear person who is questioning my decision not to have children,
No, I will not change my mind and here are my top ten reasons why I will NOT have children. I will not engage in further conversation about my reproductive parts.
1. Kids are expensive and unpractical, I have $60,000 in student debt that I am paying off.
2. I can barely find time for my partner and will not have my relationship with my spouse be put on hold until my child grows up and moves out at age 30.
3. I would rather have pets, they cost much less per year than a child.
4. Women and men are still not on an equal playing field, I still do the majority of chores, meal planning and prep, bookkeeping, appointment setting etc. It is a constant argument to have most male partners contribute to household duties. I know I am not alone in this, and I will not add taking care of a child to the list of things I need to do.
5. I value and enjoy my career and do not want to replace that time with under-appreciated and unprofitable obligations such as taking care of sick children, arguing with teachers, dealing with temper tantrums and play dates etc.
6. It is hard enough arguing that I do not want kids. I have seen so many parents have to defend their parenting style to everyone. I do not wish to argue about anything else.
7. I enjoy having the energy to spend time and spoil my nieces and nephew. I also enjoy being able to then come home to a nice relaxing atmosphere that I deserve.
8. I am a green and do not want to contribute more to the environmental crisis. You’re welcome.
9. I am scared that if I was able to get pregnant and had a child with a disability, I would not be able to care for the child for life. I have seen this happen, and after 18 years of age there is no more government support. Having a child can be scary and costly.
10. As a women this is MY decision, I can make MY own decisions. Be respectful. I should not need to defend myself.
Also, dear stranger, I cannot have children as determined by my gynecologist. I did not feel this conversation was appropriate to have out in public. So, please mind your own business.
We love sharing material that our readers have written about their childfree life. If you have something you would like us to feature please email: firstname.lastname@example.org. The views expressed in our reader submissions do not necessarily reflect the views of Childfree is Not a Dirty Word.
Do you have any unique ways you deal with people questioning your choice not to have children?