Friends with benefits

The holy grail of the relationship has to be the “Friend with Benefits”. I mean, friends are the best. They care for you, look out for you, have fun with you, they tell you when you are doing something dumb in a way that is funny and cute to take the edge off and of course they forgive you when you make a mistake in life. Plus who doesn’t like a good hard benefit sometimes? Yeah baby….

Wait a minute!! That sounds an awful lot like a relationship doesn’t it? A FRIEND with BENEFITS? Thats a BOYFRIEND! FWBs are a total TRAP! Which is why so many FWB relationships fall in to the quagmire of like and love and sticky situations. Ew. Didn’t y’all see the movie with Justin and that swan girl? If you can make a romantic comedy about it… its probably a road map for heartbreak . Because romcoms are not reflective of reality, that’s for dang sure.

So why do people keep trying? And failing? At what should be such a simple arrangement? This is because “Friend with Benefits” as a title is a very misleading name….. So. Here’s how you fix it so that you get what you want, without any stabbing pain in the ol’ ticker:

Forget a FRIEND with benefits… you want an ENEMY with benefits. Straight up. Yes ladies, here is the secret to a successful FWB. You have to boink a guy you are too embarrassed to be seen in public with. Maybe his politics are offensive, maybe he dresses like a hobo, maybe his job is unethical. Whatever it is that irks you socially, you need some clear and present obstacle that turns you off as soon as the dirty deed is done. Something to cut short the post-coital snuggle and drive you out in to the cold city night even at sub zero temperatures. And that’s not a friend…. I hope anyway.

I’m not going to sugar coat it though…. Even with this approach, there can still be a risk of pair bonding. Sex can be peskily powerful that way.. so here are some handy-dandy rules to make sure you stay un-attached, and available for the love of your life when he decides to show up…. lord only knows he is taking his sweet-bleep time…


1- NEVER sleep over. When you sleep over, your body credits the dude with all the great mojo you just felt… and you don’t want to associate bliss with this loser.

2- NEVER go out in public together. Don’t want to send the wrong message to the universe. Or to any hottie you might run into.

3 – You are each allowed to talk to ONLY ONE close friend about the hook up. Again… too much sharing will love-block you from the real deal. Not to mention, they should be too embarrassing to even want to talk about!

4 – No gifts, no holidays, no weekend nights together. This is a weekday, after work kinda dealio.

5- DO tell the other when you are going on a date with someone else. DON’T give any details about the date itself. This helps manage expectations and timelines of when the arrangement might come to a close and prevent surprises.

6- DO remind each other regularly and casually that you DON’T LOVE them, mention seeing other hot people, or describe traits you love in a partner that they obviously don’t have. Keep your egos in check.

7- DO keep the sex as straightforward as possible. AVOID exploring new experiences together (save that for the real deal).

8- DON’T be friends on facebook. Why tempt yourself to creep them or see their name more then absolutely necessary… remember you are ENEMIES FIRST, lovers second.

9- DO pick someone with whom you have a common friend… you need to vet them somehow for sanity and trustworthiness. DON’T tell THAT FRIEND about the arrangement… too embarrassing! In fact feel free to dislike each other openly in front of said mutual friend.

10 – DON’T leave anything at their house. Nope. Each time might be the LAST time.

11- DO use condoms. You never know, they have no obligation to tell you everything even though they should… so assume they have others. Even if they don’t.

12- DO stop seeing them AS SOON as something promising is in the air. No faster way to ruin a good relationship prospect then to be caught using an FWB in the early days of romantic courtship.

Well I think that’ll do it. That a pretty good guide to making it happen. Go try it, good luck, and don’t give up on the real deal.

By Jackie English

Have you had a friends with benefits arrangement?